Where The Lonely Ones Roam
by Her Name Is Erika
Summary: You can peek on the other side. / Or, in which Victoria navigates things with Ben, one slow encounter at a time. StitchVictoria.


**Where The Lonely Ones Roam  
****Show: **Young and the Restless  
**Central character:** Victoria Newman, Ben "Stitch" Rayburn – well, _Russell_.  
**Summary:** You can peek on the other side. / Or, in which Victoria navigates things with Ben, one slow encounter at a time. StitchVictoria.  
**Notes:** I outlined this when I was in church which was in two hours, basically.  
**Notes2: **If you're not down with Victoria or Stitch, skip this please. It's called common sense.  
**Musical Inspiration:** "Where The Lonely Ones Roam" – Digital Daggers.  
**Disclaimer:** I own nothing whatsoever.

* * *

_Chelsea knows she is pregnant, and Victoria is sure this is irony at its finest – all because of a purely accidental switch of medicine._

_Chelsea starts to say something like congratulations and questions if Billy knows. Victoria knows that her sister-in-law doesn't mean anything by it but at the mention of Billy's name, she looks away. She looks away and the uncertainty regarding the paternity of this baby slaps her in the face. It's real. It's alive, a living breathing entity. Is this baby Ben's, or is this Billy? Victoria doesn't know and when she meets Chelsea's eyes, Victoria realizes Chelsea has her secret in her hands. _

"_The baby… you don't know if it's Billy or Stitch's, do you?" _

_Victoria looks at Chelsea and letting the gravity of her situation washes over her like a below temperature tidal wave, she replies, "No. No, I don't." _

::

**PART I**

If Victoria stares at the ceiling hard enough, she can create art.

She can create mental art of her wishes, her wants, her dreams and her nightmares. Morning sickness for her doesn't happen in the morning. Sometimes, it happens in the afternoon for no reason at all, and sometimes, smelling certain foods make her nauseous.

Still, Victoria can't believe she's pregnant. She doesn't want to believe it because history says she will be disappointed. History says that she won't be able to be aware of her child being born, or she won't be able to pick out nursery colors or really marvel at how much her baby looks like her. Victoria exhales, her breath sounding like an echo in the silent room. Her hands find her abdomen and she cannot believe there is a little person inside of her.

Victoria's a big girl, and she knows what the actions of her consequences are. Her blue eyes stay glued to the ceiling, her mental art becomes a mess of what is real and what is not. A part of her is excited because something miraculous happens to her. It's a sad kind of joy because really, who gets themselves in this paternity limbo again for the second time? _I do_, Victoria answers, in her mind because it's true. At the end of this – a hurricane, even with the baby she loves already in the center of this storm – it will be her baby that suffers. Tears in her eyes make the ceiling blurry and watery in front of her and she wipes her tears away with a suppressed sniffle.

Chelsea knows she's pregnant. Victoria would literally laugh at this tables turning with this role reversal of events if it isn't so messed up. Oddly enough, Chelsea gets it but Victoria doesn't expect anything from her. She doesn't expect a kindred spirit or a burgeoning friendship. Victoria knows that Johnny is the factor that will tie them together for the rest of their lives, and one day, Johnny will know the truth.

But when Chelsea tells her that she understands what Victoria is going through, Victoria is still surprised but not really.

The events of last year edge into her mental art. Victoria remembers clearly uses Connor's paternity as a swinging blade as a means to get her end. Sometimes in passing, she thinks of Adam too, but not too much because after all, he kills Delia. They're not that close anyway, but Connor is an innocent baby. She admits she's wrong for that. Victoria almost admits that in that moment when she goes to see him in November, Adam looks human to her when being a father.

There are still twinges of regret she gets when she thinks of Connor, and sometimes, when she looks at Dylan – who happens to be her brand new brother – but Victoria believes that karma exists.

::

**PART II**

Eventually, Victoria decides to stop staring at the ceiling. Sleep hides from her even though Dr. Chiverton says she should get some rest and try to be stress-free. The real reason, she gets up is because Victoria is hungry, starving actually, and thinks Ben's soup would be okay. It's sweet of him to come back and bring it for her.

She gets up out of bed, grabs the baby monitor off the night stand and exits her bedroom to check on her sleeping son. Entering the dark bedroom, Victoria peers over at a sleeping Johnny. He's so beautiful and peaceful when he sleeps, and he looks like Billy the most like that. His dreams – whatever they are – cause him to shift in his sleep. She hopes it's not like when in the weeks after Delia's death when Johnny wakes up screaming and crying. Victoria soothes him, cuddling with him until he stops and she kisses his head and tear-streaked face until a goofy grin break out on it. Regardless, Victoria will calm Johnny down tonight because it calms her down.

"Shhh," Victoria soothes, softly while rubbing small circles on his little back. "You're okay. Mama's here. Shh…"

She continues to soothe Johnny until he stops shifting on his stomach and falls into a peaceful steady sleep again. Victoria knows that he misses his daddy.

When Victoria gets past the hurt, the anger and the lack of trust, she will admit she misses Billy too.

Victoria watches her son sleep, and she smiles wryly, "Hey, guess what Johnny? Mommy went to the hospital today and she got a really awesome present today," she starts, lightly stroking the top of his head. She has to tell someone about the baby before she explodes, and Victoria figures Johnny is the only man she can tell freely, for now. She sighs, and chuckles a little. "The doctor told Mommy that there was a baby in her tummy. You're going to be the best big brother. You're so young and don't understand, so I'll be excited for the both of us. Sweet dreams."

Then she turns around, and quietly exits the room, baby monitor still in her grasp.

Closing the door, Victoria lets her fingers comb her brown tresses.

It's weird but she almost envies her son for being unaware of anything. Johnny is a child and all he does is smile, laugh and play. He finds the humour in almost anything and then at the end of playtime, Victoria is the one laughing more than he is.

Johnny is unaware of the chaos around him. Victoria wishes she is innocent like that and that sometimes, she has to ability to be completely nonchalant when her life is spinning and the lack of control over it scares her to death.

::

**PART III**

_Love is not a myth because she has a lot of it for Johnny and she feels a lot of it for Delia, still. _

_Fate and destiny, however is. The idea of two people being together just because it's written in the stars is a fairytale and one Victoria will never, ever believe in again. It's her own fault for letting herself walk on cloud nine because gravity is merciless. It shoves her down to earth and on landing against the metaphorical concrete of reality, Victoria finds herself broken. But it's okay, but she will put herself together. She will write her own ending. She will get her own happily ever after. _

_Slipping her and Billy's wedding photo in a drawer, Victoria grabs her phone and dials. Part of her wishes she could smash that frame – glass, photo and all – and stomp on it until it becomes dust. _

"_Uh, hi – it's me." _

"_Oh, hi! Victoria, what can I do for you?" _

_She replies, with all the seriousness in the world. "Avery, I know you said I have to wait 120 days to be divorced from Billy, and I understand. I just – I just feel like I need to protect myself and take care of Johnny. That's where my focus needs to go, so that's why I need you." _

_The lawyer sounds confused and this sounds better in her head, but Victoria doesn't care. _

_She's feeling erratic. She's feeling spontaneity. She's feeling a sense of recklessness that comes from uncertainties about to choke her and leave her drowning. So, she will do two things: either fight to keep her head above water or hold her breath for as long as she can when she finally does sink underwater. _

"_I want to amend my will. It's just that I've learned that tomorrow is not guaranteed and I want to make sure that my boys are taken care of." _

_Avery pauses and then asks, "Are you sure? We can take care of any legal things you may have willed to your oldest son, Reed, but with Johnny, don't you think you might want to let Billy know?" At this Victoria frowns. "Not to say you're not free to do whatever you want because you are, but it's just a suggestion." _

"_No, Avery. I don't want to talk to Billy about this. It's fine if you don't want to – "_

"_Victoria, I'll be glad to take care of things for you." _

_Relief lands in her chest and Victoria releases a breath she doesn't realize she holds. "Thank you so much." _

"_I can fit you in for tomorrow at two." _

"_Only if you mind having a toddler around. I have a playgroup with Johnny before then, and I gave Hannah the day off tomorrow." _

"_Not at all. Two o'clock tomorrow."_

"_See you then, Avery," Victoria says with a wry smile and hangs up. _

_It's better to be safe than sorry, the saying goes. Victoria wants to be sorry for all the times, she let herself think her heart is safe is in Billy's hands. Tomorrow, she will sleep easier knowing things are safe and her new terms of her will is under lock and key along with her heart. _

::

It's really good chicken soup.

Victoria heats up the soup with the stovetop because there is all that talk of radiation from microwaves and pregnancy.

She appreciates that Ben is sweet enough to stop by to go that for her. Victoria isn't sure of anything. She feels like Alice in Alice in Wonderland, being shoved down this rabbit hole and landing in this alternate universe where everything is warped and weird. Most days, Victoria feels like she is going to crawl out of her skin when it is the only thing holding her together.

However, she is pregnant and hungry at three in the morning.

This soup is warm, hearty and fills her up.

It's just what she needs and Victoria is thankful to Ben for it.

::

**PART IV **

_It's the same dream and Victoria thinks that maybe she is sinking underneath the burden of an impending, a miracle pregnancy she is still too afraid to be excited about and an uncertain future. _

_She thinks she may be struggling with misplaced guilt over Delia's death. Her therapist, Dr. Rosen, says Victoria has to learn to forgive herself even though Billy and Chloe don't resent her. _

_Her heart pounds in her chest. Her lungs are burning, and she is screaming until her throat is raw and burning but she just has to find Delia. Her blue eyes surveying this barren place she finds herself in again. The fall air is cold and biting against her skin and the only colour are the reds, oranges and yellows of the leaves, littering this road to nowhere in both directions. _

"_Delia!" she yells, panicked and doesn't bother to wipe the tears rolling down her cheeks. "Delia, it's Victoria – where are you sweetheart? Please answer me!" She grabs at her hair in frustration again, because it's always the same. She never finds Delia, but Victoria is determined to find her stepdaughter this time. Her steps are quicker, more purposeful. "DELIA! Delia, where are you? Dee Dee!" _

_Determined blue eyes scan this road before she is stunned, headlights shining in her them. A black SUV is speeding, curving and weaving down this road. The roar of the engine is deafening. Her breath quicker as she wills her body to move out of the way, but she cannot. All she can do is wait for the car to plow her though with all of the pain. She's waiting for the pain, her bones to be break and her body to be shattered. She has this dream before and she braces herself for the impact._

_Before Victoria opens her mouth to scream, she is yanked back by someone's arm around her waist. _

_The force causes her to fall back onto grass, and it's like as if bungee jumping and surviving even when the rope is frayed and shredded. _

_It's a man. Leather clad back. Broad shoulders. Jeans. This part of her dream is new, though._

_Victoria squints from the ground to focus her vision. "Billy?" she croaks, because he'd save her. He's her husband. The mystery man squats to her level as she pulls herself up, and remains upright at the waist. "Billy?" _

"_Not quite." He chuckles, and it's familiar to her ears somehow, but Victoria can't register it. "Standing on a secluded road isn't medically smart. Actually, it's not smart at all. That black SUV nearly skinned you. Are you okay?" _

_Chiseled jaw. The slight curl in his lip when he smiles. _

_The way his blue eyes shine with concern for her. _

"_Delia's not here, and neither are you," Ben tells her, seriously, as if she's a patient and he's the doctor._

"_What are you talking about? She's right here. The road…the car… it's right here!" she protests, rubbing her temple because of the slight pressure building up behind it. "She's here and she's hurt. I need to get her help because Adam hit her and left her! She needs help! You're a doctor. You can help her! Please, Ben…" she nearly pleads, with a sob. "Please…"_

"_No, Victoria," he answers, shaking his head solemnly. He's holding her hands now. It's soothing and she doesn't want to be calmed by the feel of Ben's hands against hers. He wipes a tear away from her face with a thumb. "I can't help. Delia's not here. You're at home asleep. You need to wake up." _

_She doesn't want to wake up. Victoria wants to find Delia and take her home. She wants to bring that sweet girl home to her father and little brother. She wants to give Chloe her baby back. She gets up, from the ground with Ben's voice looping in her head and she needs to wake up over and over. _

_Suddenly, it's all gone. Ben's gone. Delia stays gone and she is standing in the middle of nowhere. _

_There is no form. No shape. No…nothing. _

_Except for Ben's voice telling her to wake up and go home. It starts in her head, gets louder and surrounds her. It's in the air. It's all over her skin, and underneath it. It's everywhere until her frustration and need to find Delia builds up. _

_She wakes up screaming in her bed, as the brink of a new day is approaching. _

_Victoria looks around, glancing at the baby monitor showing Johnny is still asleep. _

_Even in her dreams, Victoria admits Ben is right. _

_Delia's not here and she's not coming back. Victoria looks down at her still flat abdomen, hyper aware that even though Delia is gone, this baby – this baby medicine says is impossible – is. She smiled wryly at her abdomen, placing a hand on it._

_This baby is here and for the moment, all hers. _

_However, Victoria decides to visit Delia's grave today. _

_She can't go to the roadside memorial. Not yet. _

::

"Billy told me," Victoria tells Ben at Crimson Lights, "that you brought me soup."

"Ah, I was happy to," he says, with a smile. It's one of those days where she'd love caffeine but sweet tea is just as good. She has an ultrasound today and she's nervous and excited to see her baby. "Are you okay? The baby?"

She nods, tucking a lock of hair behind her left ear. "Yeah, I feel fine," she smiles fully because Victoria can honestly say she feels fine. She can honestly say that her unborn child is fine. "I've been taking my prenatal vitamins and I've been doing things to keep my stress levels down."

"That's good."

"Yeah – listen, Ben. I didn't thank you for the other night when I had those cramps and you got me to the hospital. I was so focused on just hoping that nothing bad happened, and I didn't make it easy for you," she remembers being wound up and tense while Ben is calming and holds her hand the whole time while in the waiting room. He makes jokes and she laughs because it's a better alternative to crying. "Thank you for that."

"Well, I slept easier knowing you were okay because the strongest of all warriors is time and patience – time to make sure you're okay and patience because it's up to the baby now."

Victoria sips her sweet tea, warm and calming. It's not as calming as chamomile but it does the trick.

She raises an eyebrow with a Mona Lisa smile on her lips. "Did you just relate Tolstoy to my scare?"

Ben feigns shame and it's kinda adorable.

Victoria can see him as a child that chooses the bookshelves instead of the playground. "Yeah. _War and Peace_. I read it as a kid and it stuck with me. Too much?"

"No," Victoria shakes her head with a soft smile. "It's perfect. I love _War and Peace_."

(She loves _War and Peace_. It's one of her favourites, but she loves Ben's company almost just as much. It's…nice, and if Victoria is being honest with herself, she'd like more of it.)

* * *

**A/N: I found this in my hard-drive. It's supposed to be Sticky heavy even though it's something Victoria-centric. I just realized it is my first writing piece of 2015.**

**So, yeah, if you're not down with Victoria, Stitch or Sticky, skip this. I won't hold against you. **

**For the rest of you, thank you for reading and as always, feedback is love. **

**-Erika**

**PS. Victoria's dream was my attempt at a bit of symbolism. If you don't get it, then let me know and I will explain it to you. **


End file.
